


A Game of Pretend

by StardustPages



Series: Widobrave Week 2020 [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Crisis, F/M, Internal Conflict, Nott Needs a Hug (Critical Role), Nott-centric (Critical Role), Pining, Widobrave Week, cursing, she deserves to be happy what can I say, this could be ooc but it's been so long that who truly knows anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24650452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StardustPages/pseuds/StardustPages
Summary: They’d fought cults of Tharizdun and won. They’d worked desperately to get Yasha back and succeeded. They were able to secure, as temporary as it may be, a temporary peace between The Empire and The Dynasty, something that weeks earlier, felt like a goddamn pipe dream. They made it through TravelerCon, the chaotic mess of festivities and lies that it was, and came out the other side with everyone still alive. They’d dealt with a freaking Dragon Turtle and lived to tell the tale for crying out loud!It all just felt so…final.With no pressing large force for the Mighty Nein to deal with after everything that happened at sea, The Mighty Nein are now left wondering what to do next which is way easier said than done.After all, how are you supposed to figure out what your next step is supposed to be when you're in the middle of having an internal crisis and spiraling out of control trying to figure out who you are and what it is you want after having just been changed back into your old body for the first time in years just a few weeks ago?! All the while you're trying desperately to play it off like everything's fine because obviously it is! Right? Right?!So needless to say...Veth's doing great.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Nott, Fjord & Nott (Critical Role), Nott/Caleb Widogast, Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast, Veth Brenatto/Yeza Brenatto
Series: Widobrave Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673128
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	A Game of Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Multi-chapter fics? Never hear of them. In this house we write really long one-shots and never look at them again. 
> 
> When I tell you this fic took me forever to finish...I mean it. I started writing this way back in March for Widobrave week, but with everything that was happening in the world I too was going through a bit of a mental crisis like Veth. So what started as solely a fic for the pining prompt for Veth/Caleb somehow in the midst of everything turned into one large therapy session for Veth, because what can I say she's wonderful and deserves to be happy. This fic is just one of the many ways that she could make that happen. I had originally intended for this to be only 3k...but as you can see things quickly developed as I got really invested in finding a way to give Veth the advice she needs to hear. Regardless of how long it took to finish this I am proud of it, and despite any errors there may be, (apologies in advance it does not matter how many words a fic may be or how many times I review it I will never be able to spot all the errors and I've accepted my fate) I hope you all enjoy!

Is this truly living? Or just a large game of pretend?

* * *

If she closes her eyes and tries her hardest to block out every thought that eats away at her mind, all Veth can hear for just a brief moment is the sound of waves crashing up alongside the Balleater, the wind rushing by as they set sail from another small tradepost of an island.

If for just a moment, just _one_ , she can become blindly ignorant as to which direction they are headed? If reality can become fuzzy for just a second? She’ll take it. _Gladly…_

“Alright, Captain. From looking at the map, if we continue at this pace, we should be able to reach the port of Nicodranas again in just a few days.”

But reality won’t let itself be forgotten that easily. Veth knows that all too well.

_Days. That’s all she has left._

Veth looks down from her place in the crow’s nest searching for the deliverer of her life sentence, only to spot Orly talking breezily with Fjord at the wheel of the ship.

Fjord, though he appears to be listening, seems to have his mind elsewhere, far more focused on what’s going on in his head than what is right in front of him, what’s really there.

Veth can relate.

He blinks, shaking his head jerkily before turning his attention back to Orly, “Right, yeah. That sounds good. Thank you, Orly. For everything. You and the crew have been a huge help in getting us this far, and I for one know we would not be standing here today without you. _I_ most certainly would not be.”

Orly smiles, “A crew is to do anything and everything possible for their Captain. If we couldn’t do that, well what kind of a crew would we be? It’s been a pleasure having you all aboard again, and we’d be much obliged to have you back anytime.”

“Thank you for the offer, that would be wonderful. But-”

Fjord’s eyes move to search the deck for what Veth assumes to be any other members of the Mighty Nein visibly present, and finding none, he sighs deeply, “I don’t know if heading out to sea again will be on the agenda any time soon. We…there are a lot of things we need to figure out. Just what it is we plan to do next is one of them for sure, it’s just…I don’t know, we’ll see. But, either way, thank you. Truly.”

Orly nods and gives Fjord a good clap on the back. “Well whatever your group’s decision might be, you’ll always have a place here, Captain Tusktooth. We’d be honored to have you on full time if you’re ever free and in the mood. When it comes to a sailor like yourself, the sea will call to you, she always does.”

Veth watches as a wistful smile makes its way onto Fjord’s face, something she rarely gets to see in the midst of all their bickering, but even she knows that Fjord is all too aware of how the sea might call to someone like him.

“Yes,” he says quietly, “Yes it does. Give me some time, I-I’ll have a talk with the Nein and see what our plan of action might be, and then…then I’ll let you know.”

“Of course.”

Orly gives Fjord a nod and continues on down the deck towards a very perplexed Marius who seems to be yelling about something…stolen booze? It wasn’t her, Veth at least knows that…well it might have been, but that was a long time ago and if the crew is just finding out about that now…then they’ve got bigger problems than a single missing bottle. Who knows for sure what Marius means, but Veth watches as Orly makes his way over and places a firm grip on Marius’ shoulder, quickly calming him down as they go about their business.

Fjord starts to lean his head back to stare up into the fading light of the sky, and Veth, out of fear of being seen, darts her head back down into the crow’s nest, breathing heavily, deep in thought.

_Days away. And then…_

She wasn’t ready to have _that_ talk. Hell, none of the Nein were ready to have that talk. The one that every member of the Nein knew was coming, had felt since the minute TravelerCon had ended.

The “what happens now that all of these big things are over” talk.

They’d fought cults of Tharizdun and won. They’d worked desperately to get Yasha back and succeeded. They were able to secure, as temporary as it may be, a temporary peace between The Empire and The Dynasty, something that weeks earlier, felt like a goddamn pipe dream. They made it through TravelerCon, the chaotic mess of festivities and lies that it was and came out the other side with everyone still alive. They’d dealt with a freaking Dragon Turtle and lived to tell the tale for crying out loud!

It all just felt so…final.

And yes, there were loose ends left to be dealt with and questions that still needed answering, but these big things, these possibly life changing things…are done. It’s over.

Her last journey is complete.

It’s that thought, the one that has been pressing on her mind for _weeks_ , that makes her feel like her throat is closing up, like she can’t breathe, frozen due to a deep-rooted fear that seeps into her bones.

Fear of what, she isn’t quite sure, but up to this point Veth has been able to block it out, focus on the task at hand, put her every thought, every feeling, every action into whatever thing was in the Mighty Nein’s way that needed to be dealt with. And she would do it happily.

But now…

There is no immediate task. No pressing issue that needs to be dealt with. No problem that Veth can throw herself into wholeheartedly. There’s nothing to fix, no one that needs support, needs to be saved.

It’s just her and her thoughts, and that…that’s always been too much to handle. And when things become too much to handle…

Veth groans, rubbing her hands into her eyes so hard that it starts to hurt before sitting up, face hardened into one of someone on a mission and someone experiencing a hell of a lot of guilt.

“I need a drink.”

She reaches her hand down to her side and unfortunately for her finds nothing but empty vials.

Right, Yasha still has her flask, and with the way things are going, might have it for the foreseeable future. So that’s out of the question. She could just ask her for it back right now but doing that…that would require another conversation she isn’t willing to have at the moment.

If she’s being honest, Veth isn’t sure she could survive talking to anyone about anything right now.

Because she knows _exactly_ what they’re going to say. She’s rerun the ways such conversations could go over and over again in her mind, partly because being anxious will always just be a part of who she is, and partly because it will always be easier to have extremely difficult conversations in her head than to ever voice the words aloud…

This precise reasoning, which she finds to be completely sound and logical thank you, is the precise reasoning that has kept her from saying a single thing about what might come next to any other member of the Mighty Nein, despite the fact that what it is she’s meant to do, and what she wants to do, have both been eating her alive for _literal weeks._

_Hence why she needs a drink._

Veth ever so slowly makes her way down from the crow’s nest, trying desperately to remain unseen and unheard, a feat she’s been rather successful at in the past week since TravelerCon.

She’s made herself pretty scarce when it comes to interactions with the rest of the Nein most of the time besides at dinner, probably because talking to the others means having to talk about how she is feeling which is a big _no_ in her book, and talking about how she is feeling means having to talk about _feelings_ in general which…isn’t allowed.

Veth has a lot of feelings. Feelings that shouldn’t be spoken about, that should never fully be revealed.

_That were supposed to have disappeared._

Veth’s thought spiral accidentally picks up speed, and she inevitably slips and falls the last five feet off the ladder, plummeting ever-so ungracefully to the deck of the ship with a loud thump and a cry of surprise.

She lays there for a moment, questioning if perhaps things might be easier if she just closes her eyes right here and just gives in to the sound of the waves, blocking out the rest of the world once more in an act of defiance.

“Uhh…Veth? You okay there?”

_So much for an act of defiance._

She opens her eyes to stare up at the looming figure above her, who, judging by the prim and proper accent and large shadow, just so happens to be Fjord.

Veth squints up at him before slowly getting to her feet, wobbling for just a second as she adjusts to being on the deck once more, and then raises her hand to her head in a formal salute.

“Captain! Everything’s fine! Just slipped on my way down the ladder is all! Everything is in tip-top shape! Do you need me to ready the cannons?!”

Fjord’s questioning look quickly shifts into one of alarm, “NO! No, it’s alright. I think we’re going to be okay without the cannons for this last bit of the journey. They came in a lot of use with that Dragon Turtle, so I doubt we have a lot of supplies left to fire them anyway.”

He looks her up and down, as if trying to find an answer to a question he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to ask. Veth keeps her eyes firmly fixed towards the center of Fjord’s chest, not daring to look him in the eyes, instead looking to where that nasty orb of U’ katoa once was. An orb that he is now free of, that now resides in a vault of amber. Caleb’s vault of amber, and Caleb-

Veth jolts to attention when she realizes Fjord has taken another step towards her while she was lost in thought, as he is now leaning down in front of her. “Are…are you sure that you’re okay? I haven’t seen you a lot in the past few days…then again everyone does seem to be keeping to themselves. But even so, you seem a little…quiet. Even for you. You haven’t made a single snarky comment about me in weeks. Is something wrong? Do you want to talk about it?”

_Oh god, not yet, I’m not…I’m not ready to talk about this! Why now?!_

Veth waves her hands out in front of her, frantically shaking her head back and forth to stress how desperately she needs to avoid this conversation entirely. “What? No! Everything’s okay! Nothing’s wrong! Why’re you asking me?! You’re the one who had an orb ripped out of him less than a week ago! I should be asking you that! It’s fine, I’m fine! We’re almost back to Nicodranas, right? What do I have to be worried about? Nothing, that’s what! Hahahaha…ha.”

She flashes him a weak smile, hoping, _praying_ to any deity listening, to the freaking Wildmother herself, that Fjord will take her statement at face value. That he will see the smile on her face, hear her words, and think that yeah, Veth has everything under control, she’s almost back with her family, that what she wants, what she needs, everything is fine!

And yet, the look on his face reaaaally makes her think that once again, unsurprisingly, her prayers are going unanswered.

_Thanks a lot, gods._

Fjord makes a noise that sounds vaguely like a _hmmm_ , and if Veth weren’t spiraling as hard as she is right now she might even call him out on it to say he’s thinking too hard and his brain definitely won’t be able to handle the strain, but even that feels like too much. Too many words.

And if she starts saying that much, who’s to say she won’t just say it all, and that…that is unthinkable.

Because she’ll accept being a burden because of a lot of things. But not _this._ Never _this._

Fjord shrugs his shoulders as if to let this go, but the worry lines in his forehead have yet to disappear. Although with everything that has happened in the last few weeks, hell, in the last few _days_ , Veth is starting to think that perhaps that’s just the way his face is now. Stuck questioning everything and worried about his friends. She admires that. That’s something they have in common, the desire and need to desperately push through their fear in the name of helping the ones they love.

She just wishes he wouldn’t try so hard to help someone like her. Because as far as she’s concerned…she’s too far gone.

_Like hell she’ll tell him that though._

Fjord sighs in what appears to be frustration but tilts his head back to look up once more at the setting sun regardless, eventually turning his gaze back to Veth, “Okay then. But if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, you know where to find me. Or…well I guess you know where to find any of us. Look, just don’t keep things to yourself, alright? I mean it, Veth. Nothing can get better unless you talk about it.”

“I know.”

“Good,” Fjord gives her a small smile before taking a deep breath and moving to look over Veth’s shoulder and gives a quick wave, “Speaking of talks, we need to talk as a group. About what we are doing and where we are going next. I figure at dinner will be the best time, so…I’ll see you in about an hour, okay?”

_An hour. That’s all she has left till the end, huh?_

Veth nods her head jerkily, and takes a few steps back turning to look over her shoulder where she immediately sees Caduceus making his way across the deck, a calm smile firmly fixed on his face that grows larger when they lock eyes. He gives her a wave and Veth barely has enough energy left in her to give him a small wave back before turning to Fjord.

“Okay,” she whispers.

Fjord gives her a nod before moving past her to meet up with Caduceus, and as she rapidly darts down the stairs to the ship’s second level, she can just barely make out Caduceus’ voice asking, “Where is she going? Is she alright?”

She’s too deep in her spiral now to even consider sticking around to listen in on _that_ conversation.

* * *

Now a level deeper on the deck, Veth lets out the breath she didn’t even know she was holding as she locks eyes with her hammock in the middle of the room.

It’s quite telling, she muses, that she chose to sleep openly in the center of the ship, surrounded by cannons rather than in an actual bedroom, or surrounded by another member of the Nein. _By a specific member of the Nein…_

Nope not going to think about _that_ right now.

_She really needs that drink._

She starts to move quickly across the room, wearily looking around to make sure she hasn’t been seen. She won’t make that mistake twice.

She got off easy with Fjord and Caduceus, it’s far easier to lie through her teeth to them when she knows she can quickly slip away without a second thought. She knows they won’t insist on stopping her. _Unlike some people…_

She slows her pace as she reaches the small hallway before the stairs that lead to the lowest level of the Balleater, where she knows she’ll be alone to find what she seeks, and perhaps to think.

However, Veth stops in her tracks in an instant right before taking her first step between the several doors that mark the final chances of danger on her journey to the ship’s final level.

It should be easy, they’re just doors after all! And the people inside aren’t scary! They’re her friends, her family.

But here’s the thing…these are the ones who could do it.

The ones who could make her talk about everything, share how she’s feeling, talk about how she is spiraling, confess how she doesn’t know if it will ever stop.

And she can’t, she _won’t_ burden them with that, not after everything they’ve done to get her where she is today, to what they believe will make her happy. And who is she to argue? For so long she’s believed that she’d finally feel complete if she got this, what she’s always wanted. And it is!

_Isn’t it?_

Veth sighs quietly and steels herself before taking her first step into the hallway. She’s off to a good start, remaining relatively silent with how light she is on her feet, looking around to check if she has caught anyone’s attention. As she comes upon the first two doors of the four that make up this hallway, she slows to inspect both carefully.

On her left, the door is cracked slightly, and if Veth were in a curious mood she might even try to peek in and see what might be happening inside, or to merely say hello, but from the soft musical tones that can be heard from within, Veth knows that Yasha must be practicing her bone harp, an activity she has taken to warmly in the past few weeks, especially at TravelerCon, where she gave such a beautiful performance that it almost drove Veth to tears to see Yasha so at peace even after everything that has happened.

There were a lot of things at TravelerCon that almost drove Veth to tears, which is precisely what leads her to quickly turn to the door on her right, the door half open where Veth can see Jester sitting cross legged on her large bed, staring intently out the window deep in thought.

Veth can’t blame her. With what the Traveler, or should Veth say, _Artagan,_ offered in front of everyone at TravelerCon how could she possibly not be lost in thought? After all who wouldn’t want the chance to see the whole world? To see other planes of existence? And to do so with someone that cares greatly for you? Veth can’t blame her for asking for some time to think about it.

She’s just surprised that it has taken someone as decisive as Jester so long to come to a decision…

But then again, who the hell is she to judge?

She can hear Jester sigh from across the room, and quickly takes a few steps forwards out of sight when she begins to see Jester turn to face the door before starting what Veth can only assume to be a sending spell, what with the way Jester’s voice brightens up as she starts to say, “Hello Mama!”

A small smile finds its way onto Veth’s face. Of course, she would message Marion. A child deserves the opportunity to ask their parent for advice, especially when that parent means the world to them.

It’s what she should be doing for Luc. What she should have always been doing for Luc. She knows that. And she wants to. _She does!_ There’s just…so much more, so much that remains unsaid that comes with that. With the commitment to stay. Giving everything up. Making _that_ choice.

_That choice is what started it all, that started this never-ending spiral that won’t stop. Somebody…please make it stop._

She doesn’t even remember when she started holding her breath again, and if she’s being honest, it doesn’t really matter. Maybe if she passes out from the lack of oxygen she’ll think right again. Maybe she’ll come to a decision in her sleep and wake up knowing what to do.

_What a nice thought…a great dream._

Veth watches as one foot passes in front of the other as she continues almost silently down the hallway, before finally ending up in front of the last two doors before the stairs.

Now these two, these are the two she desperately can’t afford to deal with.

The easiest to talk to sure, but the hardest to let go.

It’s with this thought in mind that Veth knows she couldn’t handle a conversation or confrontation with either of them, which leads her to take another step in her panic and desperation to slip downstairs unnoticed.

But nothing good ever comes from her panic, and the loud creak of the boards beneath her feet as she takes a step is certainly enough to prove it.

Shouting profanities in her head, Veth looks left and right to see if anyone heard.

To her right, the door is firmly shut, but that doesn’t surprise her.

Veth knows that when Beau wants to keep to herself, she can, easily. Veth’s almost jealous about how easy it is for Beau to slip away unnoticed. Perhaps it’s all her monk training that makes it seem so simple. But regardless, she now knows there’s no reason to worry about coming face to face with Beau, and she’s grateful.

She knows that there is no way to escape the intimidating look that comes from Beau when she goes into Expositor mode, and knowing the amount of chaos going on inside of Veth, if Beau ever got word of what was going on, she wouldn’t let it go till Veth knew _exactly_ what she should do and how she needs to make such a decision herself, for herself.

She sighs. _That might be what she needs to here, but it’s still easier said than done._

Veth moves to take another step forward but is stopped dead in her dead in her tracks when she hears the sound of a quiet but deliberate cough.

She almost doesn’t even look.

She didn’t even think to consider what she might see if she turned to look towards the door to her left. Because she knows, she _knows,_ that even just looking is enough of a decision that can _and would_ so easily spiral into her somehow finding her way inside, having a conversation she’s been too scared to have for days, weeks, hell, for _months._ She would be putting everything on the line, just by knocking on the door.

But it turns out she doesn’t have to.

Because when Veth slowly and carefully turns towards the noise, where she expects to merely see the wood of just another closed, old door, she instead is met with an open doorway, and sitting on his bed staring right back at her as if staring directly into her soul, is Caleb Widogast.

If counted only about a minute of silence passes between them, neither of them daring to move, daring to breathe, but to Veth it feels like centuries.

It’s like a game between the two of them, one they have been playing for the past few weeks, a game of quick glances, small conversations, then excuses after excuses to avoid having the conversation go further, to avoid saying what needs to be said entirely.

It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. They both know one of them will cave eventually, given enough time the truth always comes out one way or another.

It’s just…this truth, this conversation, it’s the one that has been put off far too long to just be casual, to be meaningless. Because it’s not. In fact, it means too much, could lead to so much revelation, pain, _feelings_ , that it’s almost too much to bear.

So they haven’t. And perhaps, they never will if this keeps up.

Veth stares at Caleb like a deer caught in headlights not for the first and certainly not for the last time in her life. But the difference this time versus all the others is that she almost wants him to say something. To do something. To prove that whatever _this_ is between them…it means something to him, just as much as it does to her.

But she would never ask that of him. Because why would he ever desire the same of her that she does of him? Why would he ever want to be with a woman whose life has already been decided before she ever met him?

And what right does she have to want something of him? To desire more from him when she has a husband who has loved her through everything that she loves too? When her and her husband have a child together, a son who she loves above all else?

This should mean nothing. This should _be_ nothing. As far as she sees it, her path was set in stone the minute she was changed back into Veth, put back into her old life despite impossible odds.

Odds beaten by Caleb himself.

But if she honestly believes what she told him in Marion’s bathroom, that he can do anything, make the impossible possible…then maybe…

She takes in a shuddery breath as Caleb stands up suddenly, as if waking up from a daze, wrapped up in his own thoughts as well it seems.

He blinks rapidly, never turning away from her, running his hands up and down his arms as he scratches them. _Nerves,_ she recognizes. After Caleb took the bandages on his arms off once and for all she began to realize the subtle ticks and quirks that have come to make up her wizard friend.

She often wonders if he looks at her and can see the same thing. The same nervous tremors, the way her eyes often dart back and forth, desperately searching for a plan of escape when fear overtakes her.

_Like right now._

Caleb slowly but surely makes his way across the room, his feet quiet on the wooden planks while not wearing his boots, as if he too doesn’t want to make a sound, doesn’t want to disturb this moment of time between them.

He crosses the room in but a few strides and stands on just the other side of the doorway, leaving a separation between them that hurts Veth’s heart far more than it should. Far more than is allowed.

The silence continues between the two, and Veth almost considers running off right now, that would probably be far easier to excuse later than whatever _this_ might turn into at any moment.

Just as she is about to make a mad dash for the stairs, however, Caleb, leaning his body up against the doorframe, one arm resting above his head barely managing to hold onto his spellbook, opens his mouth to speak.

“H-hallo,” his mouth quirks into a small grin, “Should I be concerned that you are sneaking around this ship like a ghost? Or should I write this off as normal behavior?”

Veth freezes in place, before shaking her head frantically, “Hmm? Oh, no! There’s nothing unusual going on, regular old me, you know how it is…haha…”

She tries desperately to maintain a neutral face of calm, but fails miserably, as Caleb proceeds to fix her with an inquisitive glance and a raised eyebrow. Clear indicators that he doesn’t believe her.

He sighs softly, and looks up to the ceiling for a moment, considering his next words carefully, “Is that so? I’d wager I wouldn’t know really. What “regular old you” is often up to that is. I…have not seen very much of you in the past few days...”

He gives her a pointed look, one that gives her the impression that the fact that they haven’t really had a long conversation together in literal _weeks_ goes without saying.

But this is just how it is between them. She knows it. And she knows fully well that he knows it too.

Something will happen. Something major between the two of them, that pulls them closer together than they have ever been before. And it’s scary, and it’s raw, and every time, every single time, moments like that leave Veth more confused than she’s ever been.

Because every time, there comes a moment where they’ll each say something, something that gives too much away about how they truly feel, they’ll hold eye contact for just a moment too long, and it feels like the rest of the world fades away.

Like something is about to change, and for better or worse, neither of them will be able to stop it if they continue.

So they pull away. Farther than the last time, distancing themselves from each other and these moments, these feelings, so much so that it’s almost like they’ve reverted back to who they were when they first met.

Two scared, lonely individuals afraid to take the next step, afraid to ask each other how they feel, what this means, what they want. Because they each know the answer, they’re just too scared to say it.

She can’t tell him the truth though. She can’t. Not with everything that has happened, not when she had a loving husband who deserves the world. Not with what she knows is coming next, what she knows will happen when they return to Nicodranas.

No, what Veth desperately needs, is for Caleb to say it. To put a name to what this is between them. Who she is to him, what they mean to each other.

She needs him to say it, because he himself was the one that said that words would ruin it. Would ruin whatever this thing they have is.

But if they don’t say anything, then it will be too late. Maybe it already is.

A small voice in the back of her head whispers softly, _One last adventure, days, an hour…_

Maybe she’s tired of deadlines.

_Whatever happened to forever?_

Veth knows she’s been silent too long, knows by the way Caleb slowly starts to lean across the doorway, crossing that unspoken barrier, leaning down so they are almost eye level, book still raised above his head, held onto by the arm using the door to remain steady.

She blinks up at him, staring into those eyes she’s looked into a million times, yet can never truly place the emotions hidden within them.

“Veth?” He asks quietly, “You still here?”

_Isn’t that the question?_

She nods her head, eyes never leaving his. “Yes, I’m…I’m here. Sorry. It’s just…there’s a lot going on is all. There’s a lot to think about.”

He searches her face, for something, anything, any crack in the surface of the invisible mask she has been putting on every time she sees him, the one she wears every time the wall between them builds itself back up again, each time weaker than the last.

Maybe he finds what he’s looking for, maybe he doesn’t. She may never know for sure.

What she does know for certain though is what he says next, “I understand. A lot has happened. There are a lot of things to consider regarding what comes next. We may have a plan one minute, and then everything could change in the next. We have no control over it and probably never will with how things work in the Mighty Nein...”

Worry starts to creep its way into her bones once more, in the same way it did when she overheard Fjord and Orly talking outside, except this is worse. So much worse.

There is a distinct feeling that comes with worrying about the ones you love. Worrying about the future.

_Worrying that in the future they seek, you’re nowhere in it._

But who is she to worry? What right does she have when the future ahead of her means leaving it all? Leaving him.

“Do you have one?” she asks.

“Have what?”

“A plan,” she says ever so quietly, “For what comes next I mean. I…I know that there are big things you still want to do, and I know for sure that if anyone could do them it would be you. It’s just…well the country is at peace, right? So, that means…things will be different now? Things are going to change.”

He takes in a quick breath, and for a second Veth fears that she’s said the wrong thing, overstepped, given too much away with that one question.

Yet while her spiraling begins to pick up speed, Caleb just stiffly clears his throat before speaking, “I think things changed a long time ago, Veth. Yes, I did have a plan, but things have gotten in the way of that. Things have shifted what my plan looks like, made my plan a bit harder, it’s-”

Caleb’s voice cuts out as he barely catches himself in time as his arm slips off the door frame, causing him to take a step forward, the book that was barely being grasped by his hand slipping out of his hold, falling down to land ungracefully open on his head, the two of them being mere inches apart, face to face in but an instant.

“Complicated…” he whispers, eyes never leaving her own.

Veth knows complicated. Knows it very well, has felt it firsthand.

Complicated is the woman who was cursed by a stranger as repayment for a favor, cursed for simply fighting for her life.

Complicated is the woman who worked so desperately to get back the things she lost in that moment, the things she had wanted for so long, the life she wanted so badly to return to.

Complicated is realizing that _that_ life, that person, who desired an _idea_ so badly, wanted to return to her family so intensely, wanted to get back to the way things were before she became a monster, _that person_ and the person who took life into her own hands, who experienced so much adventure, formed a family she never thought she could have, became someone she never thought she could be, fell in love with a man who never saw her as the monster she thought she was, _those two people_ she separated so distinctly in her mind are one and the same.

Complicated is realizing that with all the people she’s become, she doesn’t truly know who she is anymore. She doesn’t know what she truly wants.

Complicated is knowing that despite questioning everything, that through all this doubt, all she knows for sure is where she feels the calmest. Where she feels at home.

And complicated is knowing that _home looks a hell of a lot like Caleb Widogast._

“Yeah,” she replies softly, “It all feels like too much sometimes, right? Sometimes I wish it were all easier, that I had all the answers…”

“And?” he questions, “Would that change anything? Would that really make it any easier?”

She gives Caleb a small, pained smile, and reaches out to touch the side of his face lightly, “No. I think that actually might make things harder. The truth always does.”

Without breaking eye contact, Caleb raises his hand to grasp Veth’s wrist with the weight of a feather.

“I don’t know…sometimes it’s necessary. Maybe sometimes we must be willing to say what needs to be said even when it’s hard. Sometimes we must face what we’ve been running from…before it’s too late.”

And there it is. The edge of the cliff. The point that marks the end of what is known, that if followed, leads past the point of no return. The point they move around like flames that twist and shift with the changing of the breeze.

They’ve never dared. They’ve never _tried_.

_And he wants to try._ She can see it in his eyes, in the way his eyebrows are knit together in concern, the way he stares so intensely into her eyes like she is the only person in the world besides himself, like she is some wondrous spell yet to be studied, yet to be learned, to be adored.

But she can also see the fear that may never truly let go of him.

The fear of what it is he wants. The fear of what may come of whatever he has to say, of what her response might be. This is all too familiar to her…this moment where a breath is taken in and held, in anticipation of something, of what she’s never been too sure, but whatever it is…she knows she can’t have it.

She’s not allowed to. Every decision she’s made up till now has made sure of that.

And if he is too tired to keep playing this game, someone has to pull the panic cord. And if it won’t be him…

“Maybe that’s just it…” Veth whispers while she ever so slowly, so painfully, takes a step back and away from Caleb. “Maybe we’ve just gotten too good at running.”

She watches as his face shifts from one of such endearment, to confusion, and then a sharp flash of hurt, before settling on the mask of indifference he so often wears after conversations like this.

He slowly stands up, arms hanging loosely at his sides, the book slipping off his head and hitting the floor with a loud crash. Neither of them even flinch, too focused on the palpable tension that remains in the air between them.

Veth sighs, and knows deep in her heart, that she was successful once more in catching herself before things went too far, allowing them the chance to begin this game of theirs again, “Maybe running is all we’re allowed to do.”

Caleb opens his mouth to speak, a look of indignation overtaking his features before he stiffens, recognizing the pained look that has perhaps become a permanent fixture to Veth’s face, and looks down, notices that his hand is still firmly grasped onto Veth’s wrist.

He lets go of her as if she’s just burned him, and if she thinks about it, in a way, she has.

And that might be what hurts the most. Knowing that she has no choice but to hurt the ones she loves to get what she supposedly has wanted for so long.

Veth isn’t dumb. She has known what her future will look like if she follows the path that has been laid out for her. The path that involves returning to the life she once had many years ago, the only life she had ever known, with the family she’s been separated from for years, as the person she hasn’t _been_ in years. The person she mourned having ever been. She knows that _that_ life, looks a hell of a lot different than this one.

That _that_ future doesn’t involve her staying with the Mighty Nein, doesn’t involve her remaining an adventurer, risking her life for the ones she loves.

And it certainly does not allow her to stay by Caleb’s side as long as he’ll have her. That promise, that desire, expressed so long ago after Caleb shared the darkest part if himself with her and Beau, that had to be pushed deep down inside the minute she locked eyes with Yeza in Marion’s bathroom and realized that this body, this form, this life that she has been given back, is one she will never be allowed to let go of, not really.

You can’t just forget your past; she knows that very well.

_She had just hoped she could change her future._

She had mourned the loss of the woman she once was…now she’ll just have to get used to mourning the person she might have had the chance of becoming.

Because Veth the Brave can do a lot of things, but she learned a long time ago that changing fate certainly isn’t one of them.

No, if anyone were capable of changing fate it’s Caleb Widogast.

That’s one of the things she loves about him. That his future is so uncertain because it will be what he makes of it. And she hopes he finds what he seeks. She really, truly does.

_She just wishes they had been given the chance to find it together._

Veth watches as Caleb visibly retreats into himself, watches as he pulls away from her both physically and emotionally, something she is very used to, but hurts all the same.

He gives her a stiff nod. Then another one. He runs his hand down his face and looks up to the ceiling once more, squinting his eyes deep in thought or is it pain? She isn’t sure.

What she is sure of is what she does next.

Veth takes a quiet step, and then another, and slowly starts to walk backwards towards the top of the stairs leading to the ship’s bottom level.

Caleb watches her do it, and as if in a moment of panic, makes his way through the doorway so that he too is now standing in the hall, arm outstretched as if reaching for her, begging her to come closer.

“Veth!” He says loudly, before quickly covering his mouth with one hand, while the outstretched hand quickly comes to cradle itself up against his chest. His eyes appear shocked, at his body for instinctively moving forward, at her for so quickly moving away, at the entire situation for the way things have gone…she doesn’t know.

_Perhaps she’s too afraid to find out._

He moves to take a step towards her, but Veth speaks up before he has the chance, “Forty minutes.”

Caleb pauses, a look of confusion on his face. “Was?”

Veth sighs, “Dinner is in about forty minutes. Fjord wants to talk about what we’re all doing next…in forty minutes.”

With her words it looks as if all the energy that Caleb had left has left his body, as if the invisible strings holding him aloft have all been cut with the way his body sags.

He nods robotically before lifting his head to look her in the eyes once more. “Ja, alright then, forty minutes.”

“Yep!”

“And when that’s finished?” He asks.

“What about when that’s finished?” She questions.

He lets out a soft sigh before resolve seems to take hold of him. “Then may we finally talk?”

“About what?” She says, trying to act as oblivious as possible.

He gives her a knowing look, before pulling something out of his pocket, bringing his hands up to his mouth. Veth hears a voice in her head and immediately knows it’s his.

“Everything.”

She pleads to him with her eyes but knows deep down that once Caleb has his mind set on something, there’s no changing it. She can only run for so long, and though the time until dinner keeps ticking by, she knows that her time to run from this conversation has been up for a while.

_So much for avoiding deadlines._

“Okay,” she whispers. “Everything.”

“Okay,” he gives her a soft smile, “I will see you in thirty-eight minutes then.”

Veth grimaces. “Ah jeez, okay. Thirty-eight minutes. I’ll…I’ll meet you there.”

Caleb gives her a final nod and a small smile, not the one she’s used to, rather the one that feels too forced to be real. But there is nothing she can do about that now, not with time so little as it is.

She turns away from him then, desperate to use what little time she has left to do the one thing she knows best. To block everything out in the only way she knows how.

Oh yes…

_It’s time to get shit faced._

* * *

Veth makes her way down the final set of stairs and finds herself on the bottom level of the Balleater.

It’s dark, only the faint light of a few candles secured to the walls guide her as she slowly makes her way across the room. Though several bedrooms for the crew take up a good amount of space on the bottom floor, a large majority of the remaining space is used for cargo and supplies, something Veth is extremely grateful for.

It’s a great place to hide from the rest of the world after all, right here between these boxes and crates, and it’s also, she thinks excitedly, an excellent place to find the stashed booze.

She makes her way over to a box in the far corner, the one closer to the soft light permeating the room than a lot of the others and opens the lid.

She lets out a groan of disappointment almost immediately, realizing that the only thing inside appears to be a small portion of their remaining food supply for their journey back to Nicodranas.

_Just another reminder of how little time they have left._

She sits down on a neighboring box and puts her head in her hands, rewinding the day in her mind.

They all know something is wrong. They can see it on her face, see it in her eyes. But they know nothing will come from demanding answers, but what else can they do? She just can’t give them what they need, she would have to have the answers herself to even be able to give them in the first place.

It’s all too much to handle. And it’s quiet, overwhelming moments like these that make her realize more than ever just how much she misses being able to see in the dark.

Before, the darkness used to be comforting. There was always a sense of control that she had over the dark as a goblin, it wasn’t overwhelming if you could still see who is right by your side. Now it’s suffocating, this intense darkness that wraps around her like a blanket, but more so like a trap, ensnaring her, making it difficult to move, difficult to breathe.

But she knows it’s not the darkness she has to blame.

No, the only person left to blame is the one she refuses to look at, the one she avoids in mirrors, the face she knew so long ago, thought was lost forever but is miraculously back again. A face she can never be rid of, a constant reminder of how her choices, her decisions, have changed everything, and there’s no going back, no matter what she wants, what she misses.

_This is what you want, right? Doing this will change things? Will it make you happy?_

She remembers these thoughts that ran through her head, the day before they first finished designing the transformation spell. At the time, she thought it would. She thought that things would change, and that they would change for the better. That what she thought she wanted was truly the right thing to do, that it would bring happiness.

_To whom? To your family? To you? What about you? Why do you never think about yourself? What do you want, Veth? Was it worth it? Are you happy now?_

She doesn’t know. And that’s what has been eating away at her for weeks, that she _doesn’t know._

She should feel ecstatic, so happy to be back in her body, able to be with her son without worrying about having to recast a spell every few hours, that she is now able to be with her husband, be the woman she was before.

And she was overjoyed at first, riding a high that she thought she might never come down from. Believing that yes, this is what she wanted and now she has it, and she would easily, happily, give everything else she found along the way up to spend every waking minute back in the life she once had.

But when your life is changed so drastically in just a moment, when you spend years apart from the life you once knew, when you become something else, _someone else_ , spend a long time mourning the person you once were, the person you once loved, when you start to move forward with your life, growing to not even want to consider what your old life might look like now…when you are forced to face that head on? When you have no other option but to choose which life is real, which one you are going to lead? When the choice you want to make and the choice you should make are different? What can you do?

How can she make a choice without hurting someone she loves either way? Why can’t everyone just be happy with both? When did a world so grey become so black and white?

Veth, for the second time today, rubs her hands as hard as she can into her eyes, hoping that maybe just maybe, the bursts of stars and colors she sees behind her eyelids will last long enough for her to be able to come up with some kind of answer.

But when she opens her eyes once more to the soft orange light of the cargo hold, she knows she’s out of luck.

_Not that she had any to begin with…_

She sighs deeply, and tries to count in her head how long it’s been since her tense conversation with Caleb ended, and gages that she probably has about twenty to twenty-five minutes before someone comes and yells for her, a sound she most definitely is not looking forward to hearing.

But for now, as she lets her eyes slip closed deep in thought, for at least these last twenty-five minutes before her life sentence must be enacted…maybe she can find some peace…

“So…is this just your thing now? To sit in dark corners and be sad all the time?”

Veth opens her eyes and turning her head to the right is immediately met with Beau’s face only a foot away from her own.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

“Shhh! Shhh! Shut! Shit! Shhh! Shut up it’s fine!”

Beau reaches over and swiftly covers Veth’s screaming mouth with both hands, waiting patiently for her to stop flailing about, and after a solid minute of rapid movements, the two of them wait and listen for any noise from above. With but a few moments of silence surrounding the duo, the bottom deck is calm once more.

Beau yanks her hands away from Veth’s mouth in one quick motion, quickly moving to wipe them on her pants, a look of disgust firmly fixed to her face, “Gross dude, did you really have to lick my hand?!”

Veth narrows her eyes, crossing her arms tightly to her chest, “How was I supposed to know if you were gonna let go any time soon? I had to use all the options available to me! What the hell are you even doing down here anyway? You scared the shit out of me!”

  
“I’m sorry, okay?! I didn’t think I was gonna scare you that bad! I didn’t realize you were so stuck in your own head that you couldn’t even take in your surroundings! You’re a rogue for crying out loud! And I should be asking you the same thing! What the hell did you come down here for?! The only thing down here is the last of our food rations and…”

Beau’s mini rant trails off and Veth assumes she found the answer she was looking for through her own deductions and probably from just seeing how completely tired and defeated Veth most likely looks.

Beau turns on her box next to Veth so that she can face her dead on. Crossing her legs and resting her elbows on her thighs, she looks Veth up and down multiple times before a look of solemn recognition comes to find a home on her face.

“Veth…did you come down here to find some booze?”

Veth jerks her entire body to face Beau, shaking her head in denial, “What? No! W-why would I do that? I’ve turned a new leaf remember?! Clean and clear just like that! We…we’re almost back to Nicodranas! I’m almost back to my family! There is nothing to be afraid of! Nothing to worry about! Why would I need-”

“ _Because_ we’re almost back to your family.”

Veth hears a sloshing sound and opens her eyes, not even remembering having ever squeezed them shut. Upon opening them, at first all she sees in the low light of the room is Beau, sitting in the same position as before, but through closer inspection Veth realizes that the sloshing sound has a source, that source being a half empty bottle of cheap wine grasped firmly in one of Beau’s hands currently being held out to Veth like some kind of peace offering.

She squints her eyes at Beau with suspicion, “You…you’re just gonna let me have a drink?”

Beau’s mouth molds into a firm line as she shrugs her shoulders, “What right do I have to judge you, let alone stop you? If I did that…” She looks down for a moment, a small scowl etched into her features as one arm comes to wrap itself around her own waist, “If I did that, I’d just be a hypocrite. And I may be a lot of things, but if I can help it, I refuse to be _that._ ”

“Great!” Veth jolts forward in an attempt to swipe the bottle from Beau’s hand, but right before her hand can make contact with the cool glass, Beau pulls the bottle farther away, so much so that Veth almost tumbles off her own box, to which she shrieks in retaliation, “Hey! You just said-”

“I said that I wouldn’t _judge or stop you_. But what I _will_ do is put one condition on this situation.”

Veth shuffles back up onto her box, crossing her arms and grumbling to herself, “Stupid Expositors and their million rules! Fine! What do you want?”

A sharp grin overtakes Beau’s face as she leans backwards, reaching around a large box to her left before coming back to face Veth once more, cupping something in her hand that remains out of Veth’s view.

Beau sighs deeply, before leaning down towards the smaller box that rests in between the duo, placing what could only be described as two shot glasses on top of the box before moving back to cross her arms smugly once more. “I’ll let you drink under the condition that you do shots with me.”

Veth perks up and looks up at the monk, ready to agree immediately before realization quickly dawns on her face and she sinks back in on herself once more, “What…what kind of shots, Beau?”

There’s a pause, “Oh, you know…confiding shots.”

Veth’s already moving to get off the box and make a mad dash for the stairs, “Okay, yeah, no thanks, there’s no way I’m-”

“Hey! Hey! Wait! Look, you and I both know more than anyone how difficult it is to get alone time with a group like ours. It’s even harder to get alone time when you are trapped on a godforsaken ship together while everyone is avoiding facing the hard shit because none of us want to accept what addressing that kind of shit means. I’m not asking you to tell me your entire life story or some crap like that, Veth! I’m just…asking you to be my drinking buddy. To… shit I don’t know, lend me your ear? I confide in you, and then you can confide in me because _good god_ I think we both need it right about now. So, do we have a deal? Chaos Crew?”

There is a moment of silence between them that stretches on for ages.

Veth knows she could walk away. _Easily._ She’s done it before, and she’ll probably do it countless more times in her life before the Raven Queen takes her soul to wherever the hell she pleases.

Yet even so, no matter what she might say when people ask about her, Beau is a good person. Veth knows that, the rest of the Mighty Nein know that, and Veth genuinely believes that on her good days, if Beau thinks hard enough about it, she knows it too. They have confided in each other before about big things, _important things_ , things that Veth hasn’t truly talked about with anyone else in the Mighty Nein since.

If anyone could help her with how she’s been feeling…it would be Beau. And if saying yes might give Beau the chance to talk about why the hell she’s been hiding out in the depths of the ship for the past few days? Then that seems like a win-win situation.

What’s the worst that could happen?

_She’s got only so long left before the end anyway…_

“Fine,” Veth sighs, reaching forward to rest her hand around one of the two empty shot glasses, her eyes never leaving Beau’s, “Chaos Crew.”

Beau grins wildly, one hand coming to rest around the other glass while her other hand pours two quick shots into the glasses in quick succession as she shouts, “Awesome! Okay, ready? One, two, three, GO!”

The shots are knocked back instantly, and Veth is forced to take a moment to cough, the acrid taste of alcohol sticking to the roof of her mouth as the back of her throat burns.

She had forgotten how long it had been since she’d had a drink, her infinite flask still strapped firmly to Yasha’s side ever since she confessed her indecision and fear of what her future might hold after leaving the Hag’s hut.

But that was way back then, and this is now. And now…

_Now she’s back where she started. Afraid of the future. Afraid of the truth. Afraid of…everything._

_So much for Veth the Brave,_ she thinks bitterly, the thought leaving a knot in her throat and a stinging behind her eyes that she knows is no fault of the alcohol.

She clears her throat and looks back over to Beau, taking in the fact that after her own shot, Beau merely wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, staring into nothing for a solid minute before even realizing that she is being stared at.

Beau’s slow, jerky reactions to everything going on around her has graudally allowed Veth to paint a mental picture of just how long Beau has been down here, and maybe even just what it is she’s running from as well.

“So,” Veth moves to mirror Beau’s pose, but instead of crossing her arms like some kind of shield, she chooses to rest her chin in her hands, looking to Beau intently, “We’ve got maybe twenty minutes tops before the end. Think that’ll be enough time for some good confiding?”

Beau scoffs, a sharp sound that breaks the almost suffocating silence of the room around them, “Try me.”

“Alright then. Who goes first?”

Beau freezes, biting her lip as if she forgot that this, _the part about spilling one’s secrets,_ is the very foundation of their quote-on-quote ‘confiding shots’ in the first place. She gives Veth a look as if she is scrutinizing her every movement, every look, every breath.

Maybe she sees the bone-deep tiredness that leaks out of Veth in waves. Maybe Beau sees just how confused and terrified she is of what the hell is coming next.

Or maybe she can see into the very depths of who Veth is, maybe she’s one of the very few who can see just how broken inside Veth Brenatto truly has become.

Whatever it may be, something cracks in Beau’s demeanor, the foundation of the wall she holds onto for dear life crumbling away as Veth sees before her not Beauregard the Expositor, but rather Beauregard Lionett, the young girl.

_Younger than even Veth, though it’s hard for her to believe. The girl_ who cares so deeply for the rest of the Mighty Nein, her family, that she would do anything and everything in her power to keep them safe. The girl who is far more intelligent and cunning than she gives herself credit for, who would be an excellent leader in every instance, who, despite Veth’s ribbing in the past, understands the world of global politics far more than any of the rest of them ever will.

_We’re all just a bunch of damn martyrs, huh,_ Veth thinks to herself.

Yes, before her is the girl who deserves far better than her parents ever gave her, who deserves to love and be loved in return. This is the girl who, _and Veth will never forget this for the rest of her life_ , was willing to give it all up, _everything that ever brought her an inch of happiness_ , just so Veth could get what she had wanted for so long.

_And now you have it…and where has that left you? Was it worth it?_

_Are you happy now?_

Veth rakes a hand down her face, practically begging the thoughts that plague her mind to let up just this once, to make even just this moment the tiniest bit easier before everything becomes just too much to bear.

Sure, she may never be rid of these feelings and thoughts that rip her apart inside, but the least she can do is try to help Beau collect her own pieces.

“Beau?” She whispers, “How about you go first, yeah?”

A flash of fear quickly melts away into one of solemn acceptance in Beau’s eyes as she brings her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs, appearing smaller than Veth has ever seen her to be, smaller than Veth ever wants her to be again.

The silence echoes, the only sound to be heard in this shared moment between them being their own breathing and the gentle creaking of the Balleater as it pushes onward towards its final destination.

She almost doesn’t hear it. Lulled in by the blanket of darkness that surrounds them, her own thoughts screaming in her head, demanding answers she cannot give them. Veth almost misses the moment that Beau takes in a quiet breath and like a lonely disciple desperately seeking redemption from some intangible higher power, she whispers her confession.

“I think…I think I spent so long convincing myself that if I built walls between me and the people I cared about, if I only looked out for myself and pushed myself to change, it wouldn’t hurt as much when the people I love time and time again choose to push me away, when they choose to leave. I thought I would be able to just live with it, you know? Because that’s what you do, people leave, and you have to accept it. And…I think I spent so long trying to prove that it was okay for me to just be alone that I never learned how to ask them to stay. How the hell do I ask the people I love to stay?”

Ever so slowly, Beau lifts her head from staring down into her knees to look Veth in the eyes, pleading, _begging_ for something, _anything_ , to alleviate the pain that’s been rooted inside her for god knows how long, “I want all of you to stay. _Please._ And I don’t know how to ask that without being selfish and I know I’m selfish, _fuck_ , I’ve been selfish my entire life, and I know that you all have things you want to do that will make you happy but-”

Her sentence fades away as her voice cracks, “What do I do if the thing that truly makes _me_ happy is being with you all? What if all I want us to do next is stay the same? To stay together?”

_Well…shit._

Veth opens her mouth to respond, but immediately finds it impossible to make a sound.

Beau stares back at her expectantly, expecting what in return Veth doesn’t know, but all Veth wants to do is make it better, to help make things right, but what does that even mean?

What is the right thing to do? What is the right thing to say? And who the hell is _she_ to be giving anyone advice on this subject when it’s the very thing that has been tearing her apart for weeks? _For weeks!_

A deep sigh escapes her lips as Veth’s shoulders sag, “Oh…gods, Beau, I…I don’t know! And I really, truly wish I did because if I could give you advice about it that means I could give myself advice about it which would be _a major help_ right about now. But I just don’t know. I think maybe you just…ask? That seems far too simple and straight forward, I know. But if you genuinely care about someone you should be willing to put yourself on the line to tell them these things…”

The images of her recent conversations flash behind Veth’s eyes; her conversation with Yeza before heading to the peace talks, almost every single conversation she’s ever had with Caleb _,_ her conversation with the Nein about her fears of the future the first time they attempted the spell…

_What do you do if you’re terrified that they won’t be able to handle what you have to say? What if they’ll hate you for it, Veth? What if they already hate you because you can’t make up your mind? Make up your mind, Veth. JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND-_

“But what if what they want more than anything is to leave?”

Veth raises her head to look at Beau once more, whose eyes are now rigidly fixed to the ceiling, looking as if she’s ready to either punch something or cry but just hasn’t decided which would hurt more yet.

Veth takes a deep breath in, “Then you have to be willing to accept that. Because if you love them then you will want what’s best for them. If that means them leaving, then yes, it will be painful, but it will make them happy. And if you love them, Beau, you should want them to be happy. They would want the same for you.”

“What if I can’t bear to lose them, Veth? What do I do if it’s easier to breathe when I’m near them? What if I feel like a better person if they’re by my side? I don’t want to be an irredeemable asshole again, Veth. I don’t want to know what a life without them looks like…”

“Well,” Veth pauses and waits to make sure she has Beauregard’s full attention, eyes firmly locked on her own, “If that thing that someone you love might want could be dangerous for them, could hurt them physically or mentally, could possibly make it so they may never be happy again? Then you have to be willing to tell them that. You have to be able to tell the person you love that you are scared for them and that what you want more than anything is for them to stay, selfish as that may seem. You need to tell them how much they mean to you before it’s too late. Before they’re already gone. That what they want to find out in the world, without you there with them, they could find that right here, that you could find it together.”

Beau’s eyes widen as her mouth falls open slightly, a look of shock enveloping her face before she quickly goes on the defensive, “W-wait what are you talking about? _Dangerous_ for them? What do you mean? I’m not scared! Why would I be sca-”

“Beau.”

A wince can be heard from Beauregard’s form, and Veth watches as she almost robotically moves to pour herself another shot and downs it in one go. Beau then proceeds to lean forward and put her head in her hands, giving Veth an intense sense of deja-vu to the very position she herself was in a mere ten minutes prior.

Beau laughs, but it comes out sounding far closer to a sob, “How’d you know I wasn’t talking about you?”

Veth smiles, and small as it may be, it seems to be effective in getting Beau to release a shuddering breath, “Because I know you love all of us, Beau. You’ve proven it time and time again. But I knew from the last time we did this that you may have called it just a crush, but I’ve seen the way you look at her. The things you’ve done to make her smile, to make her happy. It’s not my place to tell you what you can or can’t do or to intervene, I get that now, but you need to know. That’s not just a crush, Beau. You and I both know it’s much more than that…”

Beau’s hands grip her shot glass tight enough that Veth fears it will shatter. It’s not the only thing she worries about cracking like glass.

_Maybe I’m not the only one close to breaking. Maybe we’re all just a little too scared to let go…_

_Maybe we shouldn’t have to._

“I don’t want to lose her, Veth. I don’t want to lose any of you.”

“Who says you will? Sure, she got an offer from some arch fey weirdo to see other planes of existence? Big whoop! He’s not even a god! Give us enough time and I’m sure we could offer her the same! Jester hasn’t said anything about deciding to leave us. She hasn’t made up her mind to leave you! I’m not even sure she would ever want to. You saw how she was when you admitted to offering up your life with us to the hag to break my curse. Obviously, none of us were ever gonna let that happen, but you know Jester would have done anything and everything possible to make sure that never happened regardless. Hell, she did something we all thought was impossible to make sure you wouldn’t leave! You know she loves you, Beau. You just have to be brave enough to talk with her and find out _in what way_.”

There is a moment of silence that passes between them after Veth’s declaration, a look of pensiveness molding itself onto Beau’s face before she lets out a deep, soul-releasing sigh and nods her head slowly, rubbing her hand along the back of her neck, most likely searching for the grounding feeling of the fully healed tattoo.

“Okay,” Beau whispers, at a volume that seems too small, too fragile for the bold, brash person Veth knows her to be, “I think I can do that. Or…I can try.”

Veth leans forward, pouring both of them another shot before lifting her glass and raising it to Beau’s. “That’s the best we can do, Beau. All we can do is try. And no matter what, that’s gotta be worth something.”

Beau grins softly, and the duo clink glasses quickly, the booze once more finding its way to their mouths.

The sentiment is sweet, but the taste is still sour, leaving an almost sickening feeling in Veth’s stomach as her mind starts to go a little numb with the alcohol.

But that’s what she wanted though, right? To block it all out with a little bit of booze? To help Beau with her problems and avoid her own? That was a good plan. Is that still the plan? _What is the plan, Veth?_

“What about you?”

“E-excuse me?”

Beau scoffs and Veth doesn’t miss the way she goes to quickly wipe at the corners of her eyes, hoping to evade Veth’s glance, “Oh, come on. Confiding isn’t a one-way street. You know how it works. We both do a shot, one of us spills our guts, we do another shot, and then it’s the other’s turn. I spilled my guts to you, and now they are in a messy pile on the floor between us. Look at them. They’re nasty. It’s fucking gross.”

Veth laughs for the first time today, surprising even herself.

“So…now it’s your turn! By all means, go for it. As a wise woman once said, ‘Dish the dish, bish.”

Veth lets out a laugh that might have sounded a little too close to choking down a sob, but it’s too late to try and cover it up now. What the hell can she say? How the hell is she supposed to say it without feeling worthless? Guilty? Like everything the people she loves most have done to get her to where she is today has been worthless if it means she can’t make up her own damn mind.

_She could just lie._

Despite her exceptionally low charisma, as Jester often points out, Veth’s somehow gotten exceptionally good at it over the years. Lying her way through personal conversations to make sure she doesn’t give too much of herself away. Because if she did that…there might not be anything left of her. And even if there was, what if all that remains is the things people hate? The things she hates about herself? Who would love her then? Who could love her now?

_Words are not enough. Words ruin it._

Veth stares down at the empty shot glass in her hand, rolling it around a few times before setting it down on the small crate, letting out a defeated sigh.

“Do…” She takes a deep breath and holds it for a moment, and asks herself for the last time, if she can do this.

But it’s not a question of _if_ she can, she knows that answer now. No, the real question is if she is willing to face what comes after she actually does it.

She takes a deep breath.

_No more deadlines._

For the first time in her life maybe she just needs to live, as hard as that may be. Sometimes you just have to be willing to risk it all in the name of the ones you love. Because if something is important to you it’s worth the risk.

_And these people are worth the risk_.

Veth gathers her courage and lifts her head to stare Beau directly in the eye, “Do you ever feel like your life isn’t your own? Like one day you just woke up and started living a life that didn’t belong to you, one that you didn’t deserve but you wanted so badly that you tried to make it yours? Knowing all the while that one day you would have to wake up again and face the fact that it was never yours in the first place? That these people you’ve grown to love, they love the person this body was supposed to be, and you are just trying, so desperately, to fill up the empty space but there are pockets of emptiness and pain that you can never fill and there are cracks in its surface because try as you might you can only fill up the wrong parts and everyone is just looking for what they want to see in you but no one realizes that the person they are trying to find is long gone, and that all that remains is this part of you that wants more than anything to just matter?”

She’s rambling, she knows it. And by the look Beau is currently giving her, Veth starts to worry that she was a little too honest a little too fast.

She should backpedal, she needs to backpedal. Lie, play it off as a joke, do _something now or-_

“Yes,” Beau speaks up out of nowhere.

“Y-yes what?”

“Yes, I’ve felt that way before. I feel that way a lot actually. It’s how I feel when I’m around you guys and something good actually happens to us, let alone when something good happens to me. I feel that emptiness every time I look at my father and know that I will never be enough for him, because he made absolutely _certain_ I would never be enough for him. It’s hard, knowing that there is no way any of us could ever please everyone, could make everyone happy. Hell, it was you all that made me realize that the only person in charge of my own happiness was myself, and that I deserve to be happy, where I want to be with the people I want to be with, and that’s with you guys. I may not understand _exactly_ what it is you’re going through, Veth, but…I _get_ it.”

Veth watches as Beau rotates her glass in circles, appearing like she’s waiting for something, an action, a word, a confession perhaps on Veth’s part that she had been expecting, but Veth already felt like she had said too much so anything else would just be excessive and certainly not Beau’s problem…

Veth sighs, “I know you do, Beau. But…I don’t know. Can I…you’ve learned a lot as an Expositor, right?”

Beau blinks quickly, her eyebrow quirking upwards as a confused look overcomes her face, “I mean, yeah, that’s literally my job. You know, libraries and finding secret information and all that jazz. Why?”

“Could I…I’m gonna ask you a question. And it might be long-winded but please, hear me out. I need your advice, but not just Beau, important member of the Mighty Nein’s advice, I need _Expositor_ Beauregard’s advice because if I’m being honest with you, I’ve run out of options and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Okay,” Beau says quietly, leaning forwards to give Veth her full-undivided attention, not like she wasn’t already homed in on this conversation before, “I’m listening. What’s up? What do you need?”

“What do you do when you know that _this_ life, the one that you don’t deserve, that isn’t your own, what do you do if you know that you could never truly give someone what they want from the person you are supposed to be? Oh geez, I don’t even know if that makes sense…”

“Doesn’t matter, keep going.”

“O-okay, but so like…what do you do if all you can give that person is this version of yourself with cracks, empty pieces, and scars, _so many scars,_ and you know that what they want is the person you _were_ , not the person you _are_. And all you can do is sit back in this life that isn’t your own and pretend. Pretend that _yes_ , this _is_ your life, and it’s all you need and it’s all you want because why would you want anything else? Because when the world expects you to want something so bad for so long do you have any other choice but to give in to those expectations? Do you have any other choice but to just put on the mask of this person you can never be, the life that once was in here that isn’t here anymore, are you just supposed to be okay with it?

“Okay with what, Veth?”

“Okay with the fact that your life isn’t your own anymore and now you’re stuck playing a part in a story that once might have been yours but isn’t anymore and now you’re not even sure if it ever was in the first place! Okay with the fact that you thought you’d finally taken the mask off, you thought you had finally figured out what it was you _needed_ to do but that wasn’t what you truly _wanted_ to do, because you have a duty to be helpful, to be useful, to _be enough_ to fill that role in a story that was never yours! What are you supposed to do when one day you realize that in your _entire life_ you have never _once_ asked yourself what it is you truly want because it was never about what _you_ wanted, it was about what would make the people you love happy, what it might take to maintain this fragile reality of who they think you are, who they want you to be?!”

“But that’s not reality, Veth. You get to choose what you want to do with your life, you get to make your own choice to be happy, you know that right? The Mighty Nein taught me that, you do know that applies to you too, right?”

“But Beau my life doesn’t just concern me! What I do and choose effects everyone I love, everything around me! You all, my son, Yeza! There are so many outside factors I have to desperately try to keep in order, everyone is relying on me and I _can’t,_ I _won’t_ let them down!”

“Okay…yes, there are a lot more factors when it comes to the outcome of your decisions, but if you know for a fact that if you choose one path both you and the people you love would be miserable but on the other path, yes, someone might get hurt, but you would actually be allowing yourself to be happy? Why would you deny yourself that opportunity, Veth? You could be happy! And I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, because it was a shock to me when it was said to me, but Veth, _you deserve to be happy!_ ”

“But what if I’ve _tried_ , Beau? What do I do if I’ve done so many things, made countless mistakes thinking I was doing the right thing, but the right thing for _who?_ What are you supposed to do when you realize you are tired of it all? Tired of feeling like your entire life is one futile attempt to earn something from others. Their respect, their help, their love? What if you’ve asked yourself the question over and over of what it is you want, begged yourself to take a chance at finding out what your life actually is, who the person behind the mask might be, the life you never thought was your own. What if you’ve already tried as hard as you could to find out what it all means? What if I’ve just given up?”

“But why though? Why would you give up when you now have the opportunity to make decisions for yourself?! Veth, we have no immediate pressing tasks at the moment! You know it, I know it, the rest of the Nein knows it. Although we all hate to think about it this way-well maybe everyone except Caduceus, he’s always going on about destiny but you know what I mean- this is the moment you get to decide for yourself what you want to do next! Not what you are _expected_ to do next, not what you supposedly _need_ to do next, no, you’ve already taken the first step in deciding that you wanted to have your old body back, and I’m proud of you for making a choice about that and I truly hope you can come to feel at home in your body somewhere down the line, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, just because you are back in your old body, Veth, that doesn’t mean that the rest of your life is defined by who the person who inhabited that body was supposed to be. People _change_ , people _grow_ , and people keep moving forward despite everything that they have ever faced. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you’re not _Veth_.”

“What?” Veth blinks rapidly, confusion and concern invading her mind.

“Or at least not the Veth you once were. Listen, do you honestly think you are the same Veth you were when you were growing up as a kid?”

“Well, no.”

“And are you the same Veth you were when you first married Yeza and had Luc?”

“No.”

“No, because that person is _dead._ And you mourned her, and Yeza mourned her, and when we met your own son, he thought you were dead because you _were_. The ‘Veth’ that was experiencing life up till that moment had been dead for a while. At that time when we all learned about your past, you weren’t Veth, were you?”

“No, I was Nott.”

Beau smiles softly, whether at Veth’s admission or because of the pun, Veth’s not sure.

Regardless, Beau continues speaking adamantly, waving her hands for emphasis, “Right! You were Nott! And you still are Nott, or at least a part of you is. You grew and developed as a person based on the experiences you had, the people you met, and the life you were living up till the point where you changed your body back. At that point in your life you were Nott, to yourself, to us, and to everyone you met. And that’s a good thing! Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because that means you’re alive, Veth! You are living, and breathing, and constantly changing because that is what it means to be _alive!_ If you stayed the same your entire life I can assure you that you would be miserable, and the people around you would be miserable because how could they help someone who isn’t willing to change?!

Trust me, you’ve met my father, I have known so many people who are so stuck in their ways, stuck trying to maintain some semblance of this ‘perfect’ life they dreamed up for themselves, and they’re all miserable, Veth. They’re all fucking miserable because that’s not a life, that’s a fantasy. Also! If someone is unwilling to let you change because they want you to be some other version of yourself that you aren’t, that you know you could never be? Then fuck them! Because that’s not living, Veth, that’s pretending. And I’ve known you for a while now, both as Nott, as Veth, and as you are now, whoever that may turn out to be, and I know that although you are a good friend, a great rogue, and a great mom, you are shit at pretending.”

“Well I don’t know about that. I mean really, my low charisma really shouldn’t be the end all-be all of determining my ability to-“

“Veth.”

“Y-yes?”

“Stop. Pretending. Because you’re not happy like this. You wouldn’t be asking me for advice if you were happy right now. I can’t speak for the others but I know that they would agree that they hate to see you like this too because we want you to be happy, regardless of what your happiness might look like. You just…you just have to be willing to put yourself first, as selfish as that may seem, and take the next steps towards getting it.”

Veth hears her words, sees the look of concern and the adamant way Beau truly is giving her the advice Veth needs to hear…but that deep, dark void of a spiral that her thoughts have been traveling down over and over again…it’s louder and deeper than ever. And for the first time that deep seeded fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of herself…it starts to slip out in droves.

“But what if it’s too late, Beau? What if we’re all just stuck in this endless cycle of waiting for the worst, waiting for the truth to come out, waiting for the moment that this fake reality we are trying to hold onto desperately pretending it’s actually real breaks? Because if I’m being honest, this fragile state of ‘okay’ that we are all living in, this existence of living deadline to deadline, knowing that one day our time will be up on this plane and when it is I don’t know if I’ll be able to look back on my life as this person and be able to say I was truly happy? It’s _exhausting._ Because I don’t know. There is no way of knowing if what you truly believe that you want is real, if it will make you happy till you do it, and what if it wasn’t worth it? What if instead of finally living your life you become the very person that ends it?”

“But you wouldn’t! You’re stuck in this place of indecision where you can’t even make a choice that could possibly lead to that happening. You don’t know that that would actually happen because you haven’t made a choice for yourself so how could you possibly know that it will always end poorly?!”

“Because I’ve been there, Beau. I’ve already done it, you watched it happen in the Happy Fun Ball. Who’s to say it won’t happen again? How can I trust myself to do the right thing when it feels like every decision I’ve ever made has been the wrong one. I’m always the one to hurt someone I care about, say the wrong thing, put everything we’ve ever worked towards in danger. How am I supposed to trust that that isn’t just who I am, Beau? Someone that needs to have somebody else tell them what to do, how to live their life because in some way or another, all I can ever do is fuck it all up?”

“That’s not true. You know that’s not true.”

“Isn’t it though? Beau, be honest, if you think back to every decision I’ve made while with the Mighty Nein, everything I’ve ever said, all the secrets I’ve accidentally let slip? Have I become a better person because of any of them at all? Have any of the choices I’ve made for myself ever been anything but a danger to others?”

“Veth-”

“I’m tired of playing a supporting role in my own life, Beau! I’m tired of acting like what I want is everything that’s expected of me, that I’m not terrified of the idea that I might have to spend the rest of my life hiding behind a mask, ignoring who I am and what I truly want because that’s not what other people see when they look at me or because I know the truth that my life could never be my own because I always owe somebody _something_. Because no matter what I do, somebody will get hurt because of me, and maybe _just maybe_ I would just like to reduce the blast radius of the explosion when everything falls apart around me like a goddamn trap when I finally decide to choose what _I want_ , not what anybody else wants because I know, _I know,_ that somebody isn’t going to make it out alive because I didn’t check for traps ahead of time so it might as well be me, right?! Is that so much to ask?!”

“Yes.”

Veth takes in a shaky breath, feeling the exact moment that the _spiral spiral spiral_ of her thoughts just…

_Stops._

She slowly lifts her head from her hands, not even remembering when she became so tightly knotted in on herself, so trapped in her own head. Maybe it happened just now…

_Maybe that’s just how she’s always been._

Veth looks up to find Beau’s eyes not trained on her own anymore. No, Beau’s gaze is now firmly transfixed on the small throwing star she now twists around in her hand, the ‘bob bob’ flipping around and around over and over again, as she thinks hard about something before tilting her head back, letting out a short laugh.

“You know, it’s almost funny. For so long I wondered why the two of you worked so well together, why despite your differences and your permanent scars you always looked to each other in times of desperation, knowing without an inch of doubt that the other would _always_ be there, would _always_ do whatever it took to keep the other safe, to make the other happy. Now I know why. I thought it was because you two where so different but no, it’s because you’re the same. It’s like you two are the same person.”

“Who?”

“You and Caleb.”

Veth’s mouth opens to quickly respond, but nothing comes out. No sound, nothing. All she can do is look at Beau helplessly as Beau stares back at her with a look of absolute clarity flashing across her face before she sighs deeply.

“Guilt is a dangerous thing. It seeps its way into our bones and makes itself at home for a short while, not really even knowing how long it will stay. It could even be for just a short time… that is until you decide to feed it. And _feed_ it, and _feed_ it and then suddenly you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to let it go, you start to rely on it, use it as leverage against yourself, you start to associate who you are with your guilt, and you begin to wonder if there is anyone or anything actually left inside you besides the guilt you feel. You both do it. I’ve seen Caleb do it before, hell, Caleb _still_ does it despite everything that’s happened and all the ways he’s changed and I’ve _tried_ and I’m _still trying_ to make him see that it doesn’t have to be that way but it turns out he’s not the only one I had to worry about because now _you’re doing the exact same fucking thing!_ ”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are! You both act like everything would be so much easier and better for everyone else if you just kept all your shit to yourself, if you just did what everyone else wants without thinking about yourself, you both think that if the only person whose hurting is yourself than nobody has to get hurt because of you, but _guess what?!_ Somebody _is_ getting hurt!”

“Who?”

“YOU! YOU ARE YOU DUMBASS! I honestly don’t know what it will take to get this through both of your heads but if I can get through to at least one of you today then I’m gonna call this whole ass trip at sea worth it! Okay, you want my honest advice?!”

Veth nods her head in earnest leaning forward, “Yes.”

Beau leans forwards and puts her hands on both of Veth’s shoulders, leaning in so that Veth has no other choice than to look directly at her, “Never feel guilty for wanting to be happy. For making the choice to be happy, wherever that may be, whoever that may be with, whatever it is you want to do. Because the people who genuinely love you? They would never want you to feel guilty for deciding to actually live your life. Because guess what? What they want for you more than anything is for you to be happy. If someone gets hurt along the way, if things change in ways you never could have predicted, if people grow apart or if people come together that’s okay! That will happen! Because that’s life, Veth. And you should never, _ever,_ feel guilty for actually being brave enough to live it.”

Silence falls between them. At first it feels jarring, but slowly and surely Veth begins to realize it’s not an uncomfortable one. In fact, shocking even herself, she feels the calmest she’s felt in days, in _years._

“Huh.”

Beau grins, “Huh is right.”

Veth smiles softly, raising an eyebrow, “When the hell did you become so wise?”

Beau grins widely, cracking her knuckles and leaning back on her box, “I think I’ve always been this wise, but you assholes just haven’t been actually listening to me.”

“Oh really? Is that true?” Veth laughs.

Beau’s grin shifts into a soft but genuine smile, “No. No, actually I think I just got lucky enough to meet a group of people who made me want to be better, made me want to actually care about what I did, and who I was. Made me care about myself. I was lucky enough to meet people who made me want to live, they made it actually seem worth it.”

Veth smiles and holds her empty glass up towards Beau. “I’m glad you’re here, Beau.”

“Me too. And I’m glad you’re here too, Veth. Regardless of what your decision to do next might be, I want you to know it would be shit here without you. You’re family, and yes, family can be assholes, but even when they are you still miss them. You still miss them…”

“I hate to break it to you but you’re an asshole too Beau.”

“We’re _all_ assholes! That’s why we work! But we’re assholes who try to do some good. And I’m proud of that. And you should be too, because you are a part of that, Veth. And no matter where you go or what you do, you are a part of the Mighty Nein. Forget about mattering to somebody else, because you _do_ matter, Veth. You matter to _us._ Because you are a part of our family, and we love you. And that shit? That’s what doesn’t change. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t. And you better not forget it either.”

Beau sighs in a fake dramatic manner, “I literally can’t, anytime I start to doubt myself or my place in the group Fjord appears out of fucking nowhere and scares the shit out of me, telling me over and over again that I’m important and I matter, and that I’m an integral part of this group…”

“I mean he’s right.”

“Please don’t encourage him.”

“I would _never_ encourage that man.”

Beau laughs, “He’s a surprisingly good hype man, I’ll give him that. I’ve gotta direct that support back at him more often, especially after all of the shit we went through out here at sea. I’m definitely ready to be done with the water for a while.”

Veth shivers, “Yeah I could really stand to not have to look at the ocean for at least a good year or so, but with the amount of times we come to Nicodranas…I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“Nah, I think you’re out of luck on that one, but that’s okay, maybe given time it will grow on you.”

“I really hope not.”

“Yeah…I don’t think so either.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a minute or two, reminiscing on all the crazy events prior to this evening that occurred during their time at sea, before Veth looks to Beau once more.

“Hey Beau?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Beau grins softly, and strikes Veth once in the shoulder, causing Veth to quietly wince, “You’re welcome. Anytime. And thank you. This confiding thing…might actually be helpful. Who knew? And who would’ve thought that out of everyone in the Mighty Nein, the two of us could give such good advice?”

“Not me.”

“Not me fucking either! But here we are! And…I’m glad we did this. I mean, yes, we did have this conversation in the dark in the back corner of the bottom floor of a ship…but who cares about the details? All that matters is that it helped. In what way, who knows, but it did. And Veth?”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you’re my confiding buddy, and I’m grateful that you’re my friend.”

Veth freezes for a moment out of shock at the sheer genuineness of Beau’s words, “Thank you. I’m glad you’re my confiding buddy too, although I do really wish we both weren’t always going through so much shit that we had to confide about it in secret.”

“Yeah, that would be nice…never gonna happen though.”

“Oh hell no, not while we’re traveling with this group.”

They both laugh, Beau pouring a final round of shots for the two of them.

“Oh and Beau?”

“Yep, what’s up?”

“I’m really lucky to be able to call you my friend too.”

A small smile can be seen on Beau’s face in the dark room, “Chaos Crew?”

“Chaos Crew.”

They clink glasses, and as Veth drinks the final shot, it still burns. But this burn, it isn’t bad. In fact, if Veth actually thinks about it, the burn is almost comforting.

_A reminder_ , she thinks, _and I’m glad I can feel it. It hurts, but it hurts because I’m alive, because I get the chance to feel it._

I’ll let it burn, but only every once in a while. There’s no reason to be numb. Not anymore.

It’s with this resolve in mind entering her mind that a quiet voice whispers in her head, the magic thrumming it’s way into her ears.

**_Hello, Veth. It’s ah…it’s time. Everyone is at dinner and we are waiting to start talking about…everything I suppose. If you are ready, would you please come? And if Beauregard is with you could you please bring her too? I assume you are together.”_ **

Veth looks up towards Beau and sees her head tilted in a way that seems as though she is listening intently to something, a genuine smile set on her face, most likely receiving a similar message from Jester.

Well…plus a few extra doo doo doo doo dooos.

Veth shakes her head lightly, a short laugh slipping through her lips despite everything, thinking to herself…

_No more deadlines. Love every minute of it while you can. Every success, every failure, every difficult decision. Love all of it. You know the end is coming, so why not actually live a little?_

She takes one last deep breath, before spinning a copper wire between her fingers in the pattern she has memorized by heart, could do in her sleep, could do at the very end.

_“ **I think you and I both know by now Caleb that I’m never ready…so let’s do this. Be there in a minute, we’re on our way, I promise.”**_

Veth turns to see Beau start gathering up her coat and tightening her bracers, preparing mentally and physically for whatever it could be they might face once they’re upstairs. Veth merely steadies her breathing and starts to take one step after another, giving in to the passage of time, starting the slow ascent up the two floors to the upper deck. But as she is about to cross the threshold to be truly standing on the open deck once more, Veth whirls around, her dress twirling around with her in one fell swoop as she moves to look Beau directly in the eyes with her moment of having a height advantage.

“I finally get it.”

Beau blinks up at her in confusion, but seems to have lost all her bite after their heart to heart, merely humoring Veth to keep them both moving onward and upward, “Get what?”

“I finally know what I want.”

Beau stops in her tracks, “Oh yeah? Lay it on me. What does Veth Brenatto want?”

A slow, but genuine grin, one of the first real, raw smiles she’s shared with another person in what feels like _weeks_ overcomes Veth’s face as she admits the truth, _her_ truth…

“I want to be the main character in my own life. I want to prove not to someone else, but to myself, that the only person who has the right to decide who I am, what I do, who I love, and what my future will look like is _me._ I don’t want to live my entire life afraid of finding out what it is I truly deserve. Because I _know_ what I deserve. It doesn’t matter if I am enough for someone else or if I can be what they want and need me to be. The only thing that matters is if I am enough _for_ _me._ And I’m...I’m trying so desperately to convince myself that it’s time that I decide things for myself _._ I’m tired of deadlines. I don’t want some random being or event on this planet to tell me when something is over. _I_ get to make that choice. _Because it is my choice._

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I’m done spending my life being miserable for the sake of someone else. No, I will suffer, and I will hurt, and I will struggle, and fight, and succeed, and love, and be happy _because I deserve to be._ Because it’s _my life_. And as scary as it is to think, I’ve decided that I’m actually gonna fucking live it. Do you know why, Beau?”

Beau grin rivals her own, a sharp glint clear in her eye as they start to cross the deck towards their final destination, “Why?”

“Because I’ve finally found a group of people who make it feel worth it.”

Beau claps her on the back as she passes by her, turning her head back to look at Veth as she makes her way through the open doorway into the mess hall, where the rambunctious loud chatter of their friends, their _family_ can be heard. “Good, now you know what you want. Now there’s just one more step to take! Do you know what that is?”

“What?”

“You go and you fucking get it.”

Beau winks and makes her way inside, moving to sit down to the side of Caleb, his face buried in another of his many books, Beau slinging an arm around his shoulder as she kicks her feet up on the table, motioning with her other hand towards Fjord, trying and failing to grab his attention from where he is softly sharing some thoughts with Caduceus.

Caduceus, who must have just finished passing out tea, smiles softly towards Fjord, nodding along to his claims, interjecting here and there to give his own opinion on the matter, all the while leaning his back gently into Yasha, who in turn is wide eyed, her attention fully devoted to Jester. And Jester, Jester is adamantly showing Yasha what looks to be a beautiful sketch of some wildflowers, no doubt a first draft of a future tattoo for their barbarian friend. And Veth…

Veth stands at the edge of it all, looking in at this group of people. A bunch of assholes who at one point were complete strangers, people she would have stolen from and ran, never caring to see them again.

But now, now they are her family, the ones she can’t bear to part from. The ones that she has time and time again put her life on the line for, and would gladly do again, and she probably will, knowing how reckless and thrill-seeking this group of hers is known to be.

With her resolve now solid, a clear desire, a present goal set in her mind, Veth cannot help but look into the room full of her friends fondly, questioning for but a moment, for the hundredth time in her life, how she might fit into this perfect melding of individuals, who care so deeply for each other, who would say whatever necessary, do anything, go anywhere, just to keep this family of theirs whole.

She used to wonder every day if she was just taking up space in the lives of the ones she loves, if she would ever find a place where she truly fit, where she belonged. It took her so long, but now she finally knows the truth.

You don’t have to force yourself to fit. It might take a while, it could take your whole life, but one day, when you least expect it, you will look around you, at the people you love, at the things you’ve done, at the person you’ve become and you’ll realize, you never had to force yourself to fit, you just do.

_Because you’re not pretending anymore. No, for the first time, you’re actually living._

Veth looks up and sees that looking back at her from across the room, Caleb has set his book down and has lifted his hands to his mouth.

**_I’ve saved you a seat. Sorry everyone is so loud, they got a little restless waiting for you two. I’m glad you’re here. Are you coming?_ **

She smiles and replies, “ ** _Of course. You would all wait for me?”_**

Caleb looks up, and the look on his face is one she’s seen many times before, in the quiet moments.

Those rare moments when everything feels calm, when time feels as though it would happily slow down forever, when despite everything, she feels as though in that instant, it’s even the slightest bit easier to breathe. It’s those moments that have always made Veth feel like she could make a home here. Maybe she already has.

He smiles, and makes a small hand motion, gesturing to this tiny room full of people who have always been too loud, too brave, too kind to ever be truly contained within four walls. The laughter, boisterous movements, and endless stubborn shouting of their friends once more echoes its way out the door and out onto the deck.

She feels that quiet buzz of the message spell in her ear once more.

“ **Would we wait for you? Always, Veth. _Always._ ”**

Something warm and wet makes its way down her cheeks and it takes almost a full minute for Veth to even realize she’s crying.

Maybe things will change. Maybe after this very conversation it could be years before she feels this same feeling of being _seen_ , of being truly known. But that’s okay. Because they’ll always wait for her, and she’ll always find them.

Her friends.

Her _family._

Her Mighty Nein.

Veth smiles from ear to ear and takes a seat beside Caleb at the table, closing the last distance remaining between her and her future.

She looks up at the people who mean the world to her, and a grin of excitement makes itself at home for the first time in a while on her face.

_No more deadlines, no more running away._

The time to make decisions is now. She’ll decide her future, and good or bad, it’ll be _hers._

“Alright, you assholes,” she says, leaning forward to rest her chin in the palms of her hands, a soft smile on her lips, “Where to next?”


End file.
